It's been a rough couple of days actually. My father and I got into a huge fight, and when we fight, we don't talk to each other for days, weeks, sometimes even months. This is difficult since we live under the same roof.
I should preface, my father and I don't get along. We hardly ever see eye to eye, and because we're both stubborn and I'm a pretty passionate person (he might be, but more often than not, I think it's just his temper) it makes for a difficult pair to hold a conversation especially when we disagree. I get a lot of my characteristics from him, and maybe that's why we clash so much. I also get very emotional too, which if you add them all up, results in a hot mess when I get revved up. When I believe in something, I will fight it to the grave. What we fought about was the fact that my dad thinks that he has some kind of control over me still. I am living at my parents' house, and I am still financially dependent on them. However I don't believe that gives them the right to wield all control over me. I have to be able to make decisions for myself and I should be allowed to do that at this point in my life. I'm 23. I've lived on my own, cooked, cleaned, taken care of myself while away at college. I earned my college degree and I know a thing or two more than I did when I left this place.
Our fight was about my weight. It's always about my weight....it's really all we ever talk about. My point though is this: my body is my own and I should get to decide what happens to it. I smoked cigarettes in college...and my parents don't know that, and hopefully never will, but I can make decisions for myself. I have to at this point. This is my life, and I think that it's disrespectful for anyone else to tell me or to even suggest that I do anything to change it when I don't ask for anyone's opinion. So...the deal was that my dad said he would give me money to buy a whole new wardrobe if I weighed 120 pounds on his birthday (which is July 1). The problem I have is two-fold. 1. Why did he decide that I should weigh 120 pounds? Yes, that's ideal for someone of my height, but if that isn't my goal (which it wasn't, mine is 130) then who is he to say that it should be?? I would rather he ask me what goals I am working towards and then find some way to support me and encourage me.
2). Why oh why does he think he can just throw some money on it and assume that's going to get me the results I need? As if money is going to make it all the more worth it. Essentially to me he wants to buy a 'better' daughter. And that doesn't fly with me.
I guess there are three reasons: 3). Me being thinner won't make me a better person. This is superficial and has little to no impact on who I am as a person.. which is upsetting to think that this is what comes between me and my father. I wish that it wasn't like this, but it is. And I realize now that unless I weigh 120 (which I don't think I plan to) my dad will always be disappointed in me. I don't know how to live with that. As much as I don't enjoy his presence or feel that I don't need his approval to be successful, it's really hurtful to know that I'm not the daughter that he wants, and that I'm a disappointment. It's not an easy thing to overcome, especially when it has nothing to do with the kind of person that I am. I don't fuck up with the law, I don't hurt others, I am overweight. And it makes me sad to know that this is still going on 13 years later. I had a different outlook when I was 10 and that was the first time my dad told me I needed to lose weight. I was overweight for my age, and I'm grateful he said something. But in high school when I weighed about 140, he was telling me that I needed to lose weight...and that was hurtful, because I felt that I was okay. I was a size 10 at 5'2" and ya know, definitely curvy, but I wasn't fat. I was active and I ate healthily... I wasn't a fat unhealthy person. I had some muscle and leanness to my body...and looking back, I wish I was that size now. So. I don't know where this puts me. I just have to keep working at this and know that I can do it with or without the support of my family.
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