Look Up And You Will See

I'm hoping.... that I will see a brighter future haha. Sorry about last time folks. I tend to get carried away, and I can ramble on for hours if you don't stop me! I didn't mean to bring down the mood, just simply vent. Sometimes the only way I can get over things is if I just get everything out in one fell swoop and make my argument, otherwise that's a whole lotta grumpiness that builds up..and we don't want that to happen. So my sincere apologies. However, I do think that the post was quite relevant and that it will probably happen again. I have come to the conclusion though that my father and I will not get along. And I have decided that if I stop giving a quack about what my dad thinks or says to me, then all can be well. I think that is going to be the toughest move to execute, but if I have any hope of moving onward and upward then I really need to just let it slide and know that I'm a bigger person than he is. It makes me sad, but ultimately, I think it will be better for both of us, and I know it will be better for me.

Sunday

Well, today is going to be kind of a lazy day. I don't want to go to the gym, but I will. That will be the only thing I do today; well that and make chicken tortilla soup :) I'm quite excited about that! 

It's been a rough couple of days actually. My father and I got into a huge fight, and when we fight, we don't talk to each other for days, weeks, sometimes even months. This is difficult since we live under the same roof. 

I should preface, my father and I don't get along. We hardly ever see eye to eye, and because we're both stubborn and I'm a pretty passionate person (he might be, but more often than not, I think it's just his temper) it makes for a difficult pair to hold a conversation especially when we disagree. I get a lot of my characteristics from him, and maybe that's why we clash so much. I also get very emotional too, which if you add them all up, results in a hot mess when I get revved up. When I believe in something, I will fight it to the grave. What we fought about was the fact that my dad thinks that he has some kind of control over me still. I am living at my parents' house, and I am still financially dependent on them. However I don't believe that gives them the right to wield all control over me. I have to be able to make decisions for myself and I should be allowed to do that at this point in my life. I'm 23. I've lived on my own, cooked, cleaned, taken care of myself while away at college. I earned my college degree and I know a thing or two more than I did when I left this place. 

Our fight was about my weight. It's always about my weight....it's really all we ever talk about.  My point though is this: my body is my own and I should get to decide what happens to it. I smoked cigarettes in college...and my parents don't know that, and hopefully never will, but I can make decisions for myself. I have to at this point. This is my life, and I think that it's disrespectful for anyone else to tell me or to even suggest that I do anything to change it when I don't ask for anyone's opinion. So...the deal was that my dad said he would give me money to buy a whole new wardrobe if I weighed 120 pounds on his birthday (which is July 1). The problem I have is two-fold. 1. Why did he decide that I should weigh 120 pounds? Yes, that's ideal for someone of my height, but if that isn't my goal (which it wasn't, mine is 130) then who is he to say that it should be?? I would rather he ask me what goals I am working towards and then find some way to support me and encourage me. 

2). Why oh why does he think he can just throw some money on it and assume that's going to get me the results I need? As if money is going to make it all the more worth it. Essentially to me he wants to buy a 'better' daughter. And that doesn't fly with me. 

I guess there are three reasons: 3). Me being thinner won't make me a better person. This is superficial and has little to no impact on who I am as a person.. which is upsetting to think that this is what comes between me and my father. I wish that it wasn't like this, but it is. And I realize now that unless I weigh 120 (which I don't think I plan to) my dad will always be disappointed in me. I don't know how to live with that. As much as I don't enjoy his presence or feel that I don't need his approval to be successful, it's really hurtful to know that I'm not the daughter that he wants, and that I'm a disappointment. It's not an easy thing to overcome, especially when it has nothing to do with the kind of person that I am. I don't fuck up with the law, I don't hurt  others, I am overweight. And it makes me sad to know that this is still going on 13 years later. I had a different outlook when I was 10 and that was the first time my dad told me I needed to lose weight. I was overweight for my age, and I'm grateful he said something. But in high school when I weighed about 140, he was telling me that I needed to lose weight...and that was hurtful, because I felt that I was okay. I was a size 10 at 5'2" and ya know, definitely curvy, but I wasn't fat. I was active and I ate healthily... I wasn't a fat unhealthy person. I had some muscle and leanness to my body...and looking back, I wish I was that size now. So. I don't know where this puts me. I just have to keep working at this and know that I can do it with or without the support of my family. 

Introductions

Hello all,

I thought I would start out and introduce myself and give you a little info about me. To start off, my name is Leslie Nicole. I recently graduated from college, the University of Oregon to be exact. I have lived in Oregon my entire life. I love it so much here. I was born in Portland and currently live in the SE suburbs. Portland (and its neighbors) is such a lovely place. Magic can happen here and that's what I love most about it! It's so close to the beach in one direction, and the mountain in the other. My alma mater is about 2 hours south of here, and I love to visit my friends there as often as I can. Sometimes I feel like I need just a little bit more that Portland cannot offer me, and head north to Seattle for the day. It's such a lovely area around here. We have some of the friendliest people here too. Our drivers, except for the occasional pushy one, tend to be very courteous. Although, I don't drive myself, so I don't have to worry about that quite yet. I am 23 and without a license. Some think that would be difficult, but it's really so easy to get around with our great mass transit system. I'm working on getting my license though, but it's scary out there.. too many aggressive drivers out there for me. Okay, I'm getting off track..as I tend to do, you'll quickly learn that I am very good at going on aimless tangents...some would consider it annoying. So if that's you, and you don't wish to read the ramblings of a 20 something girl, then please move on.

The purpose of this blog, well it has many intentions. I wanted mainly to track my success of my weight loss journey. I have struggled with my weight for so long now, and I just need an outlet. I've recently joined 24 hour fitness and it's going to be a great journey..I think. When I finally shed all of the weight-which by the way, will never be disclosed haha because it's none of your goddang business!- I imagine myself sitting on the cornflake. Light, weightless, free. I don't want to feel weighed down anymore. Don't get me wrong.. I'm so happy with my body, and most of the time I feel very confident in my own skin, but sometimes I wish that I could be thin in order to fit into cuter clothes. I will have those lackluster days, but I'm most certain that we all do, at least on the occasion... So I will write about that and probably some other things...my life isn't all that interesting, but sometimes interesting and entertaining things to happen to me as I'm sure you will read haha

love and all that,
l